Originally Published for TheNerdistheWord October 2016
Most of us understand the frustration of having loud neighbours. Whether a yard, an acre, or a thin plywood wall separates you, a noisy fellow always finds a way to make themselves heard. It’s sometimes difficult even to imagine what exactly is causing the disturbances. What was that thumping? I swear that it sounded like a metal hare tapping his foot and digging tunnels through the floor. And this yelling! It’s like a werewolf with a miniature trumpet stuck in his throat! Is someone being murdered up there? With bean bag chairs and small appliances? I really think I heard one of them exclaim their name is Inigo Montoya and that someone killed their father, what in the…
Just who lives next door? No mere mortal can make a racket like that! Most residents are unaware, but superhumans walk amongst us. The disturbances you are experiencing could be due to mutants, aliens, or strange monsters. If you think your neighbours might be Super Heroes (or infuriating Super Zeroes), you might have noticed the following phenomena:
- Every time someone upstairs sneezes, the walls shake and some of your dishes shatters.
- They leave a police scanner on, all night. Often enough you can hear them climb a window frame and exclaim something like “My City NEEDS ME”.
- Their vacuuming sounds like an indoor tornado. Super speed does make chores a bit easier.
- You can often spot them standing on the roof, just looking to the distance intensely. They ignore you like the superpower-devoid ant you are when you ask how the heck they got up there.
- They rarely use doors. Smashing through a skylight looks way cooler.
- Some seem to be incredibly rich and commission extravagant building projects, such as cave-like basements, secret passages, and observation towers.
- Burning cooking smells are common. Almost as though laser eyes or excessive fire power is used to make mac n’ cheese.
- Paparazzi and journalists are often scouting your area. You wouldn’t tip them off, would you?
Its not all bad!
Complaints to your landlord or to your municipality haven’t helped? The interruptions of your daily life by these over-powered lunatics are driving you mad? Learning to live together and compromise can be a challenge, but it is possible, even when surrounded by confirmed Super Heroes. There are many advantages to welcoming them to your neighbourhood:
- Don’t worry about burglars; your Super Annoying neighbours will most likely feel compelled to protect your entire district.
- Hearing an alien creature snore brings good luck.
- They throw the best parties! Sure, usually everyone is riding the adrenaline of a close call with death and destruction, but a Super Hero’s celebration sure is wild.
- They can use telekinesis, super stretching, or whatever else, to reach difficult places. Washing the ceiling or changing high lightbulb is Super Easy.
- At least they aren’t Super Villains? Enough said.
- They park some pretty amazing Super Vehicles in the driveway, and they might even let you drive one
- Befriending them can be awesome. While you’ll want to hear their crime fighting stories, you’ll find they actually envy your normal life.
- Super heroes usually need a SideKick, wink wink ;)!
We’ve reached an era of tolerance, where accepting vigilante freaks that cause massive collateral damage has become a necessity. Let’s not alienate these masked heroes, who probably just want to fit in, and deal with problems much greater than our own. Sure, they are egocentric, a little foolish, uncontrollable, completely obsessed, and they stick out like a sore thumb in our peaceful little towns. Despite all the Super Exasperating issues, we should probably stay on the good sides of those who save our planet from evil-doers. It might not hurt to bake them a pie.