Originally Published on TheNerdistheWord September 2016
Is this not the life you imagined? Had enough of struggling with daily routines? Feel like you’ll go on a rampage next time you hear your noisy neighbour sneeze? Will you spontaneously combust next time your boss talks of optimizing efficiency? Will you ram your head through a wall next time you are forced to mention the weather in an elevator? Thinking of climbing an electric pole and never coming down when your whiny friends call? Will you eat a stapler the next time your in-laws complain about their racoon problem?
You stare at your reflection in a bathroom mirror and just want to roar out in frustration. The world is unfair, and you can’t seem to catch a break. Enough with all this human crap! You’ve have enough, time to leave this species behind. Little Katy in kindergarten wanted to be a butterfly when she’d grow up, Tim wanted to be a monster truck. They said you could be anything, so you’re going to become a Charizard.
Now before you attempt to become a Charizard, make sure your body and mind are prepared. Setting the transformation in motion too early will instead turn you into a ‘shartmander’, and you will roam the world with both eyes on one side of your face forever. Make sure the following symptoms are happening:
- The idea of swimming or bathing is completely unthinkable to you. Try taking a shower as a test. Was setting your tub on fire your immediate reaction? Good
- You have at least twenty years of misery and anger repressed to the deeper sections of your psyche.
- Clothing seems useless to you. Unless you are a girl, then the urge to wear an iconic pink bow on your head is uncontrollable.
- You find yourself yelling random words and phrases like ‘Incinerate! Air SLASH! WING ATTACK!’ when performing daily tasks, like taking out the trash.
- You’ve been feeling highly competitive lately. An important meeting, such as a job interview, quickly escalated to a full on fist fight in a parking lot.
Be sure of what you are doing! Sure, Charizards, live frikkin awesome lives, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own issues to deal with. You are going to become a 1.7m tall, bright orange creature with enormous hind legs that could squash a car, yet tiny little arms that won’t be able to reach for beer in the fridge. Fitting through doorframes is going to be a challenge; you’ll end up smashing your own way into places regularly.
Get ready to smell like B.O. because you will never bathe again. Constantly having a flame at the end of your tail will cause accidents, that is just a fact- prepare apologies for what you will scorch in advance. Remember also that Charizards don’t get to be members of the Dragon Club, for you know, not being an actual dragon.
Up and Away
If we have not convinced you to give up your transformation, you may be ready. You should always be yourself, unless you can be a Charizard, then always be a Charizard. You are going to not only become a Pokemon, but will traverse three creatures’ skeletal formatting and go through two evolutions before you can call yourself a Charizard.
Gather all of your rage and excitement! Think of never having to deal with road traffic again and your new wings will emerge. Think of how fast you can barbecue your favorite hot dogs and fire will awaken in your stomach. Think of the tail your parents had removed with plastic surgery when you were a baby, and poke gigantic holes through you pants!
Congrats, you’ve done it. Go set something on fire!